Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
