In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am one with the molecules
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
