...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
