just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
