Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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