You can't motorboat a personality
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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