Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
