Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm always down for nudity.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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