I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
