I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
