Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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