From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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