i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
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Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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