Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
