dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
