Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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