i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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