Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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