Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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