So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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