Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
