____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
