I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
