oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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