"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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