Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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