I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
