i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
