I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
