Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
