Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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