i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
