Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
