oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
