I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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