Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
