This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
