Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
