my phone needs a breathalizer
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
