turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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