Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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