i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
