If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
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The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
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Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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