I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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