Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
