I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
