Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
