phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
