I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
