Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
