I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
