if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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