This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
