You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
