Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
