Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
