I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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