im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
