I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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