From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
