I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
