No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
