Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
