you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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