My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
