Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My pussy is not your playground.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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